The Farmer in the Dell, The Making of the Movie....

On the set:

Director: Ok, people listen up, we gotta lot of work to do. So, let's walk through the shots. OK, we're gonna open with the farmer taking the wife. This takes place on the bed, and we have to be discreet. We are looking at PG-13. So, soft warm fuzzy focus, some moans and movements under the blanket. No shots showing the nipples. Any questions, so far?

Cinematographer: Can we show her buttocks?

Director: No! Of course not! We'll release the director's uncut version later on DVD. So, film it all, we'll clean it up in the editing room. And save the good stuff for later. Ok, moving on. So the wife gets pregnant, and yada yada, she takes the child to see a nurse. The child takes the nurse, and leads her out to look at his cow, which he is selling. The nurse loves the cow, and decides to take it. This is where it gets a little twisted, because, the cow has taken a dog as her best friend, and they are inseparable. So, the nurse takes the cow, and the dog tags along. Questions?

Animal wrangler: Do you want a mature cow, a young cow, and what color?

Director: I think what we want for this part is a mature brown cow. And the dog should have a cute face, but, be sorta mangy looking too.

Wrangler: No problemo!

Director: Ok, now we get to the action scenes. It turns out that the nurse has a cat. And when the dog sees the cat, he is in hot pursuit. Let's have him chase her all over the place for about three minutes. Everybody with me?

Props guy: So, you want some lamps for them to knock over, and stuff like that?

Director: Yes, yes! Brilliant! So, the dog chases the cat, and corners it in the bathroom. The cat, makes a desperate leap into the bathtub, which is full of water. The dog, with his big paws up on the side of the tub, is growling and showing his teeth, as the kitty thrashes about helplessly in the water. He lunges. And just when you think he is about to do the coup d' gras, he gingerly picks wet kitty up by the neck, and sets her down on a towel. (He looks at the wrangler) Can you get the dog to try to wrap the towel around the wet cat?

Wrangler: No problemo!

Director: Swell, that will be a real tear jerker. There won't be a dry eye in the house. Ok, so it gets psychological here. The cat, feeling her position in the household is a bit threatened, needs to re-assert its importance. So she determines to catch a rat. So that's the cat's motivation, he said (looking at the wrangler, who nodded). So she baits the rat with a big chunk of cheese.

Props guy: What kind of cheese?

Director: It doesn't matter what kind. It just has to be big. Really big. A rat's wet dream.

Props guy: Gotcha!

Director: The rat is not able to get to the cheese fast enough! The cat pounces! We need close-ups here, lots of fast edits. Paws clawing and drawing blood! Rat teeth sinking into fur! Cat fangs! Finally, the cat takes the rat and carries it off.

Props guy: So, what happens to the cheese?

Director: I am coming to that. We close in on the cheese standing there, alone, in dead silence. We do a very slow zoom on the cheese, and then roll credits.

Cinematographer: I like it. I am thinking swiss cheese then. A big chunk of swiss cheese. We slowly zoom in on one of the holes in the cheese. A black hole that gets larger and larger until it fills the screen. Then the credits roll.

Director: Excellent. Yes, we go out with a mystery. The dark inner secret of the cheese. Leaving the audience to wonder how something like a cheese managed to survive. I can almost see the sequel. "The Cheese Stands Alone!" A vigilante kinda flick like those Clint Eastwood did! Ok, people, let's break for lunch.