My Horrendous and Cosmically Cataclysmic Moment in Hell

Well, ok, maybe I am exaggerating. But you maybe know this feeling of just doodling around happily in your home, and all of a sudden, something goes terribly wrong. Let me set the stage:

I was enjoying my lazy morning, fixing breakfast and humming "Lucky, lucky, lucky me, I'm a lucky son of a gun. I work eight hours, I sleep eight hours, I have eight hours of fun..." in my pajamas , of course. I had no big worries on my mind. It was laundry day, and I always enjoy laundry day. It makes me feel like I am a responsible citizen in the community, doing what I can to make it a better world. And besides, my last three girlfriends were gals I met down at the laundromat. Something about a man doing laundry is some kind of turn on, I guess.

So, I was about to sit down on the couch and watch Regis and Kelly over my second cup of coffee. I love Kelly Ripa and have often fantasized that I might run into her at the laundromat. Anyway, on my way to the couch, I glanced out the window at the house across the way, and noticed one of their window screens was dangling off by one hinge, and blowing in the wind. At precisely that moment, I stepped bare-footed on one of my dog's bones! She has a way of leaving these around in strategic places like booby traps. It's usually her way of telling me I forgot to fix her breakfast too, and was only thinking of myself.

As I hopped around moaning, I stubbed my remaining good foot on the coffee table. This, in turn, caused the full cup of coffee there to fly up and land on the couch, right where I was about to sit down. Suddenly, there is a very strange gargling kind of noise, and when I looked at the tv, the picture was gone! Kelly had been obliterated by some kind of blizzardy white-out! I stumbled to the computer so as to report this to the cable company. My computer was dead too! And all of a sudden two cop cars went flying past my house with their sirens wailing.

I ran wounded into the kitchen, mostly to see what else might be falling apart, or blowing up. Well, to my relief, everything seemed fine in the kitchen. I took a deep breath, and made another pot of coffee. When I returned to the living room with a fresh cup of coffee, a mop, and a roll of paper towels, I was delighted to see that Kelly had returned to my television. And, lo and behold, my computer was working again too! I guess all this craziness was just life's way of teaching me a lesson. I humbly acknowledge this. I learned my lesson. When the going gets tough, the tough head to the kitchen. I get it.